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Well, this just sucks

What a shitty day. Not all of it mind you, but the part I was most looking forward to fizzled out like a dud of a firecracker. Not the climactic close to the crappy year I was hoping for, but it's over now.

And I am still fighting back the tears.

I so wanted to have a toast to the end of this year and the welcoming of the new year. And yet I have two bottles of champagne still unopened. Those I chose to be with for this event all left my company in one way or another before midnight arrived. No need to go into any details, other than to say I am disappointed. I have tried to be brave and strong and patient and cheerful when I can muster it. I must not have tried hard enough. I am fighting to hang on. The pull for me to give up and drop into the deep dark pit is becoming too strong and I fear I will lose the battle with that demon.

OK, so I lost the battle of the tears as well. Shit! What a fucking memorable new year this one turned out to be.

I'm going to go soak my black eyed peas now. Then eat some chocolate and go to bed. Tomorrow I will drink mimosas for breakfast, black eyed peas (365 for sure!) and cornbread for lunch, and probably wallow around in my comfy clothes all day. And maybe, just maybe I won't wear my brave face and will cry when I feel like it, no matter who is around. And I won't feel bad about it either. I'm going to play the widow card big time. Just watch.

2 comments:

I can't believe that they abandoned you when you really needed them. That DOES suck.

I am sorry - it is so hurtful.

Please take the time to cry as much as you want to, and you know what, you have earned the right, you don't need to apologize to anyone, or bottle anything up ... cry. Vent. Rant. Scream.

Then fight another day.

(repeat as necessary)

I hope 2010 brings more peace, strength and smiles to you.

xx

January 1, 2010 at 8:45 AM  

Thanks Boo for the words of encouragement. Funny how a new day brings a new perspective. I did lounge in my comfy clothes all day, I did cook my peas and cornbread (more of an early dinner than lunch) and I drank a bottle of champagne with orange juice. And I didn't cry much, just every time the pang of missing him hit me. But all in all it was not a bad day.

January 3, 2010 at 3:30 AM  

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