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The Dream

Well, it happened.  I finally had a dream about Wade.  I'm not sure I have dreamed at all since he died, and reading other widow(er) blogs about their dreams made me sad that I couldn't even connect with him on that level.  But this dream was not a pleasant one at all.

My recollection is that the dream was very short.  Wade was in the driver seat of some vehicle that I didn't recognize.  I was standing at the window on the passenger side.  There was some conversation, but I don't recall  about what.  He said something that startled me and then all of a sudden I began to feel ill.  Then violent shaking, falling, and vomiting.  And I remember Wade saying "Oh Shit!" and leaving the vehicle to come to me.  The dream was over before he reached me.

And that was it.

I often wonder if daily experiences we have greatly influence our dreams.  I like to believe that is true.  So looking back on that day, I remember watching the newest episode of Big Love.  The wife of the clan's prophet had died and she had placed him in a walk-in freezer.  When her daughter Nicki came over, the wife was hysterical that she herself dropped dead.

And looking back on the events at the hospital when Wade died, I remember clearly struggling to stand and having to stop and put my head down between my knees so I didn't pass out as they lead me to "the room" where they told me he had died.  And the day before he died, I was not feeling well.  I honestly felt I was having a heart attack, but was convinced that if I took an aspirin and rested, I would be better.  Twenty four hours later it was Wade who had the heart attack.

I think I said "Oh Shit" a few times myself that day.  Among other things.


i'm sorry your dream was so short and so unpleasant. some of my dreams are weird and yes, i think our moods and what happens to us during the day can affect our dreams.

i know that if i want to dream of my Dragon on our island, i tell myself to. i try to relax and try to take myself there. sometimes it works. sometimes not. even if i go to that wonderful place to be with him, a truly good dream, i wake up sadder than when i fell asleep. it's like that song, "i'd rather be dreaming than living, living's just too hard to do."

i hope you don't let bad dreams say too much. they are just dreams. you and Wade love each other. you know that. your life together, the reality of that life and your love, is the real dream.

you are in my thoughts and prayers.

January 13, 2010 at 2:34 PM  

oh wow, you know what that tells me? That you were so close to each other that you sensed this was going to happen to him, on a primal level, somehow. Even though it wasn't obvious when it happened, in retrospect, it shows just how close you were and how much you love each other.

I'm sorry if your recent dream upset you ... some of mine do ... but I am grateful for any "appearance" that he makes these days. I hope this means now that you will dream of him more often, and that you will also dream happy dreams of him too, my friend.


p.s. is that your eye? If it is, you have beautiful eyes.

January 13, 2010 at 3:17 PM  

You two always offer such kind comments. Thank you.

@ Boo, we had a way of communicating without saying a single word. There were many times when I would have a song stuck in my head, and sure enough, he would start whistling it. Or with him on the road, I would be thinking a particular thought and he would call to discuss the same matter. He also had an uncanny sense of just when to call me in the evening....right as I was taking my first bite of dinner. It became a joke around the house when the phone rang. Didn't matter what time dinner was served, he seemed to just know.

The more I have thought about this dream I have come to realize that the program I was watching was more than likely a trigger, but in and of itself had no real meaning. It just caused me to relive the day's events, only in reverse.

On the day Wade died, he was working on one of our trucks and he called asking "Where are you." Then I heard the phone drop and heard some labored breathing. When I got to him, he was laying in the truck on the passenger side. I had climbed up on the step to try and get him upright, all while screaming and shouting for help. I ran to the driver side to try to help him. And yes, he had vomited. His autopsy report showed that he had fallen violently backwards hitting his head on the gear shift.

I think the dream was, on that primal level, an attempt for him to tell me how the events unfolded. My dream ended with him coming around the vehicle to me. I wonder if that is when it all really ended for him...with me coming around the vehicle for him.

In my dream, it was not tremendously painful; more surreal than anything. I have many times wondered if his death was painful or surreal to him as well. I'll never know for sure, but doctors have assured me it was very quick. For that I thankful as one can be.

And Boo, no that is not my eye, but it is beautiful isn't it? I've always believed the eyes are the window to the soul.

January 14, 2010 at 11:12 AM  

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