Grief is a species of idleness. ~~Samuel Johnson
I'm trying to be productive, I really am. I think about it a lot; however I lack the motivation to get going. I really am trying to change. Really, I am. I guess I need to put on my boots and kick myself in the ass.
Today, I made a little progress. Realizing that if the wood flooring was not picked up and brought into the house soon, it would never be acclimated, or for that matter, installed. Mentally a list was made of some of the other things needing to be done so that the trip out of the house was a good use of time. So the journey began.
Post office....check
Home Depot.....check
Wood Flooring.....um, well, how about a tick mark instead?
It seems that a little advance thought and planning was in order, but was obviously overlooked. Apparently having a means to transport the product is somewhat crucial. Well, I have the vehicle, but didn't think about removing the bench seat so that I would have a full eight foot of room to work with. With a little more forethought, the trip would have been successful, but as it stands, I will be making the trip again tomorrow and probably twice. Seems I also didn't take into account the weight and I think 1500 pounds might be too much for one trip. How much weight can a 1/2 ton carry anyway? Wade would know the answer.
I should probably check the gas gauge. Running out of gas would make for a very bad day, not to mention a huge embarrassment. And when was the last time the oil was changed? Oy! Why do I now find this all so troubling? I am stronger than that. Wade always said that he loved that I was a strong, independent woman. He said he knew I would be OK when he wasn't around and that I wasn't clingy and needy. There wasn't anything I couldn't do, or at least attempt. And for many, many years I was that woman. The difference I suppose was that when he left, I always knew he was coming back. Or I could call him and he would know the answer.
Now it seems as if nothing really matters. Most things take on the appearance of menial, make-busy work that are minute and meaningless in the big scheme of things. The joy is gone. The enjoyment of having a partner to share in the accomplishments is what makes it all worthwhile, and I miss that connection.
Another widow includes at the end of her posts a list of things she is thankful for each day. I'm sure I have much to be thankful for, but I'm still quite apathetic and would give it all up in an instant if I could only have Wade back. And since I am struggling with overcoming my ever growing list of things to do, perhaps a list of things I actually accomplished would be more apropos.
Today I Accomplished:
Labels: grief, home improvement, motivation, procrastination
I have been reading blogs by other widows and now I am scared shitless! I have come to the realization today that I have been in shock and denial for the last 3 months, while I honestly believed I was recovering nicely and thinking I was ready to venture out. Out to get a job, out to meet new people, out to find myself. Then came reality, and it is so unbearably painful. Physically, emotionally, sickeningly painful. The tears that I thought I had packed away safely for just me now are pouring out uncontrollably. Even when I am not crying the guttural wailing that takes over, they continue to flow freely, like a leaky faucet. I ache; my physical being is knotted and tense with so much pain that I can hardly breathe.
My rational self believes that death is inevitable and a few months off to reflect, cry, plan was all that would be needed to 'move on' without my best friend, lover, soul mate, definitely the better half. Then I started reading other blogs of widows who are many more months, sometimes years advanced in the grieving process and that is when the true reality set in for me. My emotional self has been locked up and is now screaming to come out.
Then the life insurance statement arrived and the shock that I can't go on this way much longer has caused panic. How can I "sell" myself to an employer in my current state of mind? Our youngest daughter is still living at home and entering her junior year of college. We had been paying as we go, now she is forced to seek financial aid and that has yet to be finalized. The business we ran together was suffering through the economic crisis and I opted to shut it down. Without him as an active participant, it was not feasible to continue. Because we had no will, I cannot sell the house or the excess vehicles until probate is complete.
We had the house on the market when he died. We had made our plans for our last move and were still deciding on the layout of our new home and workshop. Back to his ancestral hometown, the one he longed to return to and be the patriarch of his remaining family. The one he at his most peaceful, enjoying the work, the land, the history and a promise for the future. His father had passed away suddenly in 1996, his mother now a widow; his older brother ailing from a rare form a leukemia; his only sister had lost her only son in 1998 in a fiery car crash. It was time to go home to roost and I was more than happy to make the move and be part of the support team. And time to slow down, enjoy more time together, and be the glue to reclaim the family center that seemed to have waned over the past few years. Now everything is in limbo. The dream is shattered. Hearts are broken.
So I try to find answers and I try to stay busy. No, that's a lie. I don't stay busy and I don't try. It is a struggle every day to do the most mundane things. I haven't cleaned house since the service three months ago. I don't remember the last time I showered. I did strip off the sheets a few weeks ago and then slept on the bed wrapped in the comforter. A few days ago, I washed the comforter, so now the bed is totally bare. I now sleep on the couch. I've lost weight without trying. I don't answer the phone very much and I rarely initiate a call.
But Thanksgiving is next week, so I'll have to make an effort. An effort to put on a brave face, an effort to put on a smile. But I'm not cooking an elaborate meal. We are going to have a steak cookout, drink some, play cards, watch movies and just be together. And he will be with us, perched in the center of the room on the mantle.
It was John Lennon who said "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." While that may be true, I've come to believe that death is what happens while we're busy making life's plans.
