Grief is a species of idleness. ~~Samuel Johnson
I'm trying to be productive, I really am. I think about it a lot; however I lack the motivation to get going. I really am trying to change. Really, I am. I guess I need to put on my boots and kick myself in the ass.
Today, I made a little progress. Realizing that if the wood flooring was not picked up and brought into the house soon, it would never be acclimated, or for that matter, installed. Mentally a list was made of some of the other things needing to be done so that the trip out of the house was a good use of time. So the journey began.
Post office....check
Home Depot.....check
Wood Flooring.....um, well, how about a tick mark instead?
It seems that a little advance thought and planning was in order, but was obviously overlooked. Apparently having a means to transport the product is somewhat crucial. Well, I have the vehicle, but didn't think about removing the bench seat so that I would have a full eight foot of room to work with. With a little more forethought, the trip would have been successful, but as it stands, I will be making the trip again tomorrow and probably twice. Seems I also didn't take into account the weight and I think 1500 pounds might be too much for one trip. How much weight can a 1/2 ton carry anyway? Wade would know the answer.
I should probably check the gas gauge. Running out of gas would make for a very bad day, not to mention a huge embarrassment. And when was the last time the oil was changed? Oy! Why do I now find this all so troubling? I am stronger than that. Wade always said that he loved that I was a strong, independent woman. He said he knew I would be OK when he wasn't around and that I wasn't clingy and needy. There wasn't anything I couldn't do, or at least attempt. And for many, many years I was that woman. The difference I suppose was that when he left, I always knew he was coming back. Or I could call him and he would know the answer.
Now it seems as if nothing really matters. Most things take on the appearance of menial, make-busy work that are minute and meaningless in the big scheme of things. The joy is gone. The enjoyment of having a partner to share in the accomplishments is what makes it all worthwhile, and I miss that connection.
Another widow includes at the end of her posts a list of things she is thankful for each day. I'm sure I have much to be thankful for, but I'm still quite apathetic and would give it all up in an instant if I could only have Wade back. And since I am struggling with overcoming my ever growing list of things to do, perhaps a list of things I actually accomplished would be more apropos.
Today I Accomplished:
Well, I kicked myself in the ass, so to speak. I haven't conquered all that beckons attention, but a start is a start. One foot in front of the other....that's what everyone tells me.
After my husband died, I remember telling our daughters that I was going to make a quilt from his clothes. He was very much a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy, or a western shirt if it was a little more dressy. Or a tropical shirt if a t-shirt was just too casual. But for everyday work wear, it was Wranglers and our company logo'd pocket tees. A few weeks after he died, I came across a stash of these tees that we had for gimme's to customers, still in the plastic wrap. It seemed wasteful to throw them out so I mentioned to one of my daughters that I would make a (one) quilt from his jeans and these tees. She asked if I could make 5 more. I suggested we could do a "daughterhood of the traveling quilt" and pass it around.
A few weeks ago, I found several blogs by other widows and one in particular does memory quilts out of the loved one's clothing. After reading her story and seeing some of the work she has done, I decided to try my hand at it as well. I'm not new to sewing by any stretch, but I use a machine where she does all of hers by hand. She is an artist, I am more crafty. Anyway, I have finished the first block and have two others in progress. I will be incorporating other fabrics for the block variations. Thank you S for the inspiration and the kick in the pants, even if you didn't know you did it.
Below is a picture of the first block. It is made from his work tee, complete with old grease stain and paint stain, as well as some material from one of his western shirts. I didn't try to match the pattern because I didn't feel it relevant. This is going to be a work of love, not a work of art.
And I went outside and mowed the grass (riding mower), cleaned up the patio, used the leaf blower (3 times!), worked the compost pile, straightened up the garage a little. And tonight I am sore. These months of doing nothing are causing some physical aches and pains from a relatively light work load. Hubby always said that if I sat around I'd get "all stoved up." He was right....as usual. One of the many things I loved about him.
