Lonesome Dove

I feel sick. Really, really sick. I haven't felt this bad for a few months and it all came back with such a force that I hadn't realized how far I have come. Now I am right back there and feel like I am starting all over again.

Today, my brother in law called. He and I talk several times a day as I have signed on as his mentor in his new business adventure. It is not unusual for us to talk a half dozen times a day, but today there was a call that just sucker punched me so hard that I have now fallen back into the pit.

The phone rang and I answered as I always do when I see his name on the caller ID. Only this time he didn't answer back. I called his name again, and still nothing. I can hear the flashers on his truck in the background, but nothing else....no movement, no rustling papers....nothing but the flashers. I listen. I contemplate that it is just a pocket dial and I should hang up. But I don't. What if something has happened to him and I were to hang up when he may have used his one and only means of reaching out for help? Instead I start screaming his name over and over again.

I was transformed back to the day Wade died. And all I could think was this can not be happening again. And I began to panic. And I began to cry.

And then he answered the phone. He had hit redial, but had forgotten he had done so but said he heard a faint voice which reminded him of the call.

I don't think he realizes even now how absolutely terrified I was and how profoundly this has affected me. I have been reduced to a blubbering idiot once again. I am feeling all of the pain and fear all over again and can't stop crying.

This sucks.