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One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Grief is a species of idleness. ~~Samuel Johnson


I'm trying to be productive, I really am. I think about it a lot; however I lack the motivation to get going. I really am trying to change. Really, I am. I guess I need to put on my boots and kick myself in the ass.

Today, I made a little progress. Realizing that if the wood flooring was not picked up and brought into the house soon, it would never be acclimated, or for that matter, installed. Mentally a list was made of some of the other things needing to be done so that the trip out of the house was a good use of time. So the journey began.

Post office....check
Home Depot.....check
Wood Flooring.....um, well, how about a tick mark instead?

It seems that a little advance thought and planning was in order, but was obviously overlooked. Apparently having a means to transport the product is somewhat crucial. Well, I have the vehicle, but didn't think about removing the bench seat so that I would have a full eight foot of room to work with. With a little more forethought, the trip would have been successful, but as it stands, I will be making the trip again tomorrow and probably twice. Seems I also didn't take into account the weight and I think 1500 pounds might be too much for one trip. How much weight can a 1/2 ton carry anyway? Wade would know the answer.

I should probably check the gas gauge. Running out of gas would make for a very bad day, not to mention a huge embarrassment. And when was the last time the oil was changed? Oy! Why do I now find this all so troubling? I am stronger than that. Wade always said that he loved that I was a strong, independent woman. He said he knew I would be OK when he wasn't around and that I wasn't clingy and needy. There wasn't anything I couldn't do, or at least attempt. And for many, many years I was that woman. The difference I suppose was that when he left, I always knew he was coming back. Or I could call him and he would know the answer.

Now it seems as if nothing really matters. Most things take on the appearance of menial, make-busy work that are minute and meaningless in the big scheme of things. The joy is gone. The enjoyment of having a partner to share in the accomplishments is what makes it all worthwhile, and I miss that connection.

Another widow includes at the end of her posts a list of things she is thankful for each day. I'm sure I have much to be thankful for, but I'm still quite apathetic and would give it all up in an instant if I could only have Wade back. And since I am struggling with overcoming my ever growing list of things to do, perhaps a list of things I actually accomplished would be more apropos.

Today I Accomplished:

  • Mailed the Special Warranty Deed to the lawyer
  • Recycled 2 CFL bulbs
  • Bought the glue for the upcoming wood floor job
  • Attempted to pick up flooring
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