Book of June
1 year ago
The last week has been pure d-hell. Not sure what d-hell is, but I heard it alot growing up. Apparently many things stay with us from our younger years that we don't necessarily understand. I suppose some of it is regionally assigned as well. Whatever.
Somewhere at the beginning of this hell hole was a quibble over a word. Amazing how much weight one little four letter word can carry. Seeing the word caused a great pain to my heart and after a morning of bawling over it, I had to respond. My tact may not have been received as intended; I swear I was wearing velvet gloves. I suppose the ricochet stung even harder. Result was tears all around. After two days, I gave up. Whatever.
Into my world has arrived a bouncing baby girl. OK, not mine, not a baby, but definitely a girl. She comes with a very wicked mother. Who has been stalking me/us. For years it seems. Her name caused something to jar loose in my memory about a time a few years back when I was doing a background check on us both for identity fraud protection. There was a name that showed up with our address in our previous city on the record for my husband. A name neither of us recognized. But another address for this name on the same report was very close to where I live now. And that light bulb went off this week. Over the last week, I have been followed, had drive-bys, and at one place, had the benefit of an almost face-to-face with girl and said wicked mother who chose to sit at the adjoining table facing me throughout the night. Very obvious that they knew who I was, but no contact or communication. Lots of glares, snickers, cell phone texting. What I do not understand is why this wicked woman approached the ex-wife with this revelation. I mean, who calls the ex after 28 years and says "oh by the way, I fucked your husband while you were separated. Just thought you'd like to know. And before I forget, he is the father of my daughter"? I have asked around and this ww called a friend of hubby's not long after he died and asked about him...."was it true?" "did he leave anything?" WTF??? I've come to realize that there is no "I want to know about my daddy" in any of this, but more of a "pay me money." Whatever.
To top off the week, a friend of mine lost her husband Saturday week. They were high school sweethearts, had been married 29 years and have two girls, the youngest a senior in high school. Of course I was at the wake and the funeral, although I was terribly worried over how I would hold up for her. And I think I failed miserably. Not sure if it is the difference between those who "get it" and those who don't, but there was none of those trite comments coming from my mouth. Oh no, I was very honest....perhaps too honest. I found a lovely card by Maya Angelou that I felt best fit the circumstances. It said "It's hard to hear talk about peace and angels and heaven when you've got a big hole where your heart used to be." And then I rambled in all of the available space with heartfelt realities of how painful this is for them all, how they should support each other, that the pain never goes away. They all thanked me, but I secretly wonder if the timing was wrong. I know the message was spot on, but with the overwhelming grief and pain they are experiencing now, perhaps I should have yanked out that velvet glove once again. No whatever here. This one is real....and raw.....and needs care and feeding. This one is important.
So I have come to the stark realization that widows....well, THIS widow....is of little interest to the general population other than as a curious interest or oddity. You know, like a train wreck. You don't want to look, but you just can't help yourself. I am somehow different (duh!) and must not be approached, included, or engaged but rather stalked, rebuffed and ridiculed. Whatever.
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Best Skin Cleanser said...
April 13, 2012 at 8:20 AM
You are still grieving your loss, but that is why you can be such comfort to others. People say that death is part of life, but it is not. We were created to live forever, not die.
Anonymous said...
May 23, 2012 at 7:06 AM
God has been the difference in my own life during times of loneliness, heartbreak, and pain. I know too well what it means of not getting encouraged by others and the hurt that comes from that. I've found that only God always offer encouragement and hope, much better than any human can offer. I can only imagine how it feels to be widowed. I have the taste of having a soul tie broken- I've gotten dumped in the past and it's hurt me so much in the past. The Bible teaches that a sexual relationship (whether marital or premarital) results in the man and woman becoming one (a soul tie). I believe that even emotional involvement (without having sex) also creates soul ties, but to a lesser degree than a sexual soul tie. Rejection and abandonment are all painful things. King Solomon said that everything in this world is vanity, everything is meaningless- a chasing after the wind. Eventually whatever we gain in this world (relationships, success, wealth), we lose them all at some point. There is something you can never lose though- God. God surpasses everything in our lives. Our thirsting for things in this world (especially human relationships) is evidence that we need something greater than those things to satisfy us because everything except God will end up failing you in some way. God has promised us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. God can't die on us and leave us in a state of loneliness. God won't cheat on us, dump us and go off with someone else. Whenever you feel lonely or feel that you're missing something in your life- realize that God wants to fill that void in your life. So many times I've been ignorant about the Bible. We're trained from our birth to live by our senses- thus we look to perceive God with those senses. Most of the time, we can't perceive God with our senses as He is a spiritual being. God has wanted me to develop my spiritual senses and rely on His word (the Bible) to experience Him. I've learned to always see God's word as alive, powerful, and relevant for each day. When I've failed to see that in the past, it's robbed me so much joy and peace. I've learned to look at the Bible as a powerful and active gateway/portal to God. We can try to occupy our minds with so many different things in this world to try and fill the void in our lives or suppress the pain, but all of those things will keep us still hungry and thirsty. God has promised us that if we reach out to Him, He will give us rest, quench our thirst, and satisfy our hunger. If you haven't done that, I hope you will give God a chance. I further hope that God will use you to go and reach others with His word, just like He has used me to reach out to you. Many people in this world are hurting just like you. Many are just looking for a simple act of kindness or a word of encouragement (words are powerful- they can heal and motivate or when used in an evil manner destroy others) which they don't receive from others. Ultimately, many even end their own lives because they feel hopeless and want to end their pain of torment- all because they've failed to see God was nearby all along and they failed to perceive Him with their spiritual senses. God loves you more than any human in this world! He wants to be your companion today and take care of you and your family's needs. I hope you see and explore His love for you today through the Bible- the Bible is the secret source for unraveling peace and joy for you when you can't find them in this world. I can't give you physical copy of the Bible right now, but you can freely access it online at (www.biblegateway.com). May God bless you, heal you and strengthen you and your family. Continue to write and help others for His glory. Claim God's promises to you from His word today. Humans will likely fail to encourage you when you really need it, however, God won't fail. All you need to do is turn to His word. It is available 24/7 whenever you need it- to experience God.
AntiSatan said...
January 31, 2016 at 1:26 PM